She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
