He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
