The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
