well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
