The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
