What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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