he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
