true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
