please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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