i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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