Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
