i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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