I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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