Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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