one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
