Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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