It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
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the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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