I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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