Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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