Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
