just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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