My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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