how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
