dude i'm inner monologue high
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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