I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
