Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
