i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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