haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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