Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
