so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
