Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
