You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Did I show you my penis last night?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
