don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
