Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
