the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
