Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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