I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
