i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
