I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
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I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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