Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
