My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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