checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
