Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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