I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
