woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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