so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
