p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
