So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
