he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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