my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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