hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
