his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I licked your asshole in confidence.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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